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Disclaimer. I don't own either Gundam Wing's characters or the Nine Inch Nails song (well, I bought the album, but I don't think that counts). So don't sue. I may be an employed human, but I certainly don't make enough for any lawsuit. What is it about angst-ridden songs and Gundam Wing? Huh!
KEY:
//–denotes thought\
[- song lyrics- ]
[i woke up today
to find myself in the other place
with a trail of my footprints
from where i ran away]
"Ai shiteru, Trowa," sighed Quatre, knowing deep down his emerald-eyed lover would never say anything near as endearing back. Trowa stared at his pretty blonde minx and almost smiled. That was about all Trowa could manage. It wasn't that he didn't care, but he always found it hard to express feelings into words.
"Quatre, I think I'll be joining Catherine and the circus for a while," said Trowa.
"For how long?" came Quatre's automatic response. //Allah! I swore I wouldn't do this again!\
"I don't know. Not long." Then he embraced the disappointed smaller boy with the aquamarine eyes. Quartre returned the embrace with all his heart. It was like he knew he wouldn't see Trowa for a long time. "I'll stay in touch, I promise Quatre."
[it seems everything i've heard
just might be true
you know me
(or you think you do)
sometimes, i have everything
yet i wish i felt something]
Trowa knew he was running again. Running away from the warm, gentle soul that was Quatre. He knew he was a baka to do it. Quatre was beautiful and tender and sweet and ... smothering. He always felt like he was on pins and needles with the boy. That any word out of his mouth (to which Trowa didn't express many of those) would wound Quatre in some way. He knew he was deeply loved by the boy. But love wasn't something that came easily to Trowa. A shattered past would always haunt him no matter how may sweet kisses and tender hugs Quatre would bestow upon him.
[do you know how far this has gone?
just how damaged have i become?
when i think i can overcome
it runs even deeper]
If he could have picked out a lover for himself out of the other pilots, Trowa felt that he would have been better suited for Heero or maybe Wufei. Both were guys who had more than their fair share of hurt and they would probably understand Trowa better. He might even would feel incline to share the hell that was his past with them openly, if he was a little more talkative.
Better to go back to the circus, where it was safe. Where he didn't feel like he had to spout lines to please anyone. Where the only ones needing pleasing were the animals. They demanded so little from him.
[and in a dream I'm a different me
with a perfect you
we fit perfectly
and for once in my life i feel complete
and i still want to ruin it
afraid to look
as clear as day
this plan has long been underway
i hear them call
i cannot stay
the voice inviting me away]
In his trailer, at the circus, Trowa found himself doing something he seldom ever did. Dreaming. In his dream, he was more expressive. He laughed more. Cried more. Loved deeply. Quatre didn't have to pry his feelings out with a crowbar.
But he still knew even in the land of dreams something would have to screw it up. He knew it would be himself. Now instead of regaling the blond boy of his dreams with words of love, he was berating him with words of hate. Watching the aquamarine-eyed boy's face crumble under the verbal lashing was breaking his heart.
Trowa woke up with a start.
[do you know how far this has gone?
just how damaged have i become?
when i think i can overcome
it runs even deeper]
Maybe it was time to go back to see Quatre. He received the invite yesterday. It seems there is going to be a reunion of sorts. Everyone would meet at Quatre's like old times. The nicer times that existed even when there was a war on.
//It will be nice to see the guys again. I haven't see Duo, Wufei or Heero for over a year now. Oh, and it's been at least eight months since I've seen Quatre.\ He found it interesting that Quatre was the last person on the list in his mind.
[everything that matters is gone
all the hands of hope have withdrawn
could you try to help me hang on?
it runs...]
Trowa arrived at the Winner Estate three days later. Duo greeted him warmly, but kept staring at him. //What's his problem? Oh, I know. I bet Quatre has been whining about the lack of attention I've been giving him lately. That will be easy to remedy.\ Heero was ... well, Heero.
"Ohayo, Heero," I venture.
"Hn."
"Is Wufei here yet?" I ask because I start to notice that Quatre who is usually the first person to greet me like a dog in heat is nowhere to be seen.
"He'll be here later tonight," said Duo. "Quatre is in his study making some phone calls."
//Well, he is running the family business. That makes sense, but why does Duo look so nervous all of a sudden?\
"Aa," is all I can say. //What else is there to say?\ I see a servant carrying a tray with a teapot and two cups. "Excuse me, Duo."
I follow the servant down the hall and say to him, "Are you taking that to Quatre-sama?"
"Hai."
"Let me do that for you. He's in the study right?" The servant nods. "I want to surprise him. It's okay, you won't get in trouble. Just help me get the door opened a little, I'll take it from there."
"Hai."
Trowa pushed the slightly opened door with his hip as he made his way into the study. Quatre was in the study. But he wasn't alone. In fact, he was playfully perched in the lap of Abdul, one of the Maganacs. Quatre had Abdul's fez cap in one hand, his sunglasses in the other while the older man tried retrieving either object. Finally, he decided the best course of action was to tickle the younger boy.
Quatre giggled and leaned in for a kiss. Having received a satisfactory one, he gave the Maganac his sunglasses. "Ahem," said Trowa. "Raji, I thought I told you to knock before entering," Quatre said with a smile before turning around and seeing Trowa holding a tray.
"Oh. Trowa," said the boy quietly, slowing turning pale. "When did you get in?" He still sat in Abdul's lap however.
"Maybe an hour ago." Trowa's face was unreadable to Quatre. But then Trowa made it his life's ambition to never show any emotion.
"I think it's time we had a talk, don't you?" Quatre asked while slowly getting up from his new lover's lap.
"If you must. Here's your tea." Well what else could he do? He felt stupid holding the tray. He placed the tray on the desk.
"Quatre-kun, we'll ... talk later," said Abdul, gathering his hat from Quatre. He stared at Trowa briefly before leaving the room.
Quatre walked with the man to the door before grabbing his hand and giving him a brief kiss. "Yes, later." Abdul left.
Quatre turned to look at Trowa. "I'm sure you have questions."
Trowa thought about it. He really didn't have any questions. He knew he screwed up again. But he decided to humor Quatre.
"Abdul, huh? When did this happen?"
"You've been gone for a long time, Trowa. I had been wandering around pretty depressed. This may be the longest time you've been away, that didn't entail a mission. Abdul hung around to try and pick up my spirits. He's very funny and charming you know."
"Looks like he picked up more than just your spirits," said Trowa, with a half-smirk.
"Is that supposed to be a joke? If it is, I'm not laughing," Quatre said earnestly.
"So I guess we're over now, huh?"
"Trowa, you are unbelievable! You've been gone for almost a year. You see your lover in the arms of another and yet you stand here calm and cool. Anyone walking by would think we're talking about the weather instead of breaking up," cried Quatre angrily.
Trowa shrugged his shoulders. "Sorry."
"For us parting or for you being a cold bastard?" hissed Quatre.
"Both. Do you want me to leave now?"
"No, of course not! Duo and the others will want to see you. I'll have Raji make up a room for you. I would ask you not make any scenes when I'm with Abdul, but I know I don't have to. That would employ too much energy or emotion for you."
That last statement kind of hurt Trowa. But he didn't show it. He simply headed for the door.
[i'm straight
i won't crack
on my way
and i can't turn back
i'm okay
i'm on track
on my way
and i can't turn back]
The reunion was to last for a week. Trowa felt he should leave after the second day. Outwardly he looked his usual calm self, but in fact, he was in a whirlpool of emotions. Duo offered to be a sounding board, but Trowa wouldn't take him up on his offer. Heero and Wufei seemed to read what was going on and managed to say the things he needed to hear without ever expressing them out loud. //Yeah, I really should have made one of them my lover when I had the chance.\
[i stayed
on this track
gone too far
and i can't come back]
"Quatre, I'm leaving," said Trowa.
"Surprise, surprise," said Quatre, sarcastically.
"I just want you to know ..." //What did I want him to know? What can I say that doesn't sound stupid or trite?\
"Yes?" Quatre said impatiently.
"I want you to be happy. From what I've seen, Abdul seems to be what you need. I know you wanted more from me than I could give. Or more than I was willing to give. I'm sorry I've hurt you. Maybe someday we can go back to being the friends we were before we became lovers," Trowa said. Then he turned away to leave.
Quatre's hand on his arm stopped him. When he turned to look at Quatre, the blond boy had tears in his eyes. "You know, that may be the longest speech I've ever heard you utter in the five years we've known each other? Yes. I would like for us to be friends again. Someday." Then he hugged Trowa. Trowa slowly returned the embrace.
[i stayed
on this track
lost my way
can't come back]
"Someday," repeated Trowa. Then he walked away.
AUTHOR'S NOTE:
I finally went back to my Gundam tapes to discover my bespeckled character is named Abdul instead of Ahmed. I've updated the page accordingly.