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warnings: dark. angst.
author's notes: "Man That You Fear" is by Marilyn Manson. //words\\=song lyrics.
//The ants in the sugar, the muscles atrophied
We're on the other side, the screen is us and we're t.v.//
I sit in the cockpit of Epyon to ready myself for another battle. As I try to reach forward for the controls, I feel my body lock up on me. Why am I doing this? Shouldn't I have learned my lesson from piloting Tallgeese? My muscles cramp up, my hands are like claws as they grip the controls but yet I can't command them to move. To see myself being broadcasted amongst the colonies and Earth, I try to prove who is the victor in this battle even though I know that a certain Gundam pilot can prove me wrong. For the people viewing the battle on their screens know nothing about the true meaning of war unless they experience it themselves. But I do this so the innocents of the people never have to go through this again.
//Spread me open, sticking to my pointy ribs
are all your infants in abortion cribs//
How did I even become a leader? Did I earn this position? Many soldiers had looked up to me but as I look at myself, I feel that I disappointed them. Too many have died trying to fight for what I believed in. I didn't want them to put me on a pedestal but they did and they died fighting for my honor. A killer of his own men is what some label me as. Maybe they're right. My hands are so tainted with blood that none of my soldiers should have to die for me. I can name off so many that died in vain for this god-forsaken war. Too many young lives were at stake and they died before they even got to live a life of peace.
//I was born into this, everything turns to shit
The boy that you loved is the Man That You Fear//
Ever since I can remember, I was born into war and chaos. I can't even be a decent brother to my only sibling, the only one left of our bloodline that has compassion for the peace that she's also fighting for in her own way. She doesn't need me to fight for that peace. She has a strong willed pilot who is fighting to make her dream a reality. I've only made it worse for myself by making me an enemy in her eyes. Her harsh words still cling to my memory as I hugged her one last time, probably the only time I ever got to hold my sister, not counting the times when she was an infant. She may have been right, who exactly was holding her? Was it the blood stained hands of Zechs Marquise or the coward Milliardo Peacecraft? A coward? Yes I do believe I can call myself that. I know that Relena, deep down inside loves me, loves the brother that she wished she could have back but I don't think I am worthy to be one to her. As I wrapped my arms around her and hearing those words come out of her mouth, I knew she was frightened, just by the slight way her body shook. I shake my head when I think about the memory. My own sister afraid of her brother but is strong enough not to admit it.
//Pray until your number,
Asleep from all your pain,
Your apple has been rotting
Tomorrow's turned up dead//
As I memorize the casualties of war, I wonder how soon till my number is drawn? Before I give up that easily, I will make sure that I will fight my fullest. I can slowly feel the effect of the Epyon taking over again as I feel a part of my mind getting hazy, close to a sleep like state. Parts of my mind is in slumber but yet I'm wide awake in my own hell where I scream on the inside but nothing on the outside. Epyon's effect slowly rots the part of my memory that I wish to keep as I try to fight my own battle within myself. I know I can't give up now. I must be in control and not the machine.
//I have it all and I have no choice but to
I'll make everyone pay and you will see//
Never have I had this much power given to me in my life. My role as a soldier in Oz was never this powerful as being in control of the WhiteFang. The adrenaline that runs through my veins is intense. Knowing that I can destroy the Earth with a push of a button makes me grin that sinister grin. They will pay for everything the have done between starting the war with the colonies to thinking that they can rule all of humanity, whether it be on the colonies or Earth.
//You can kill yourself now
Because you're dead in my mind
The boy that you loved is the Monster You Fear//
"Zechs? Zechs can you hear me?"
That voice calls out to me like a siren. I can't let her drag herself down into my personal hell. She's better off without me, better to think of me as dead than living cause that is how I feel right about now. I trace the outline of her face as I see it on my comlink. Such sad, sorrowful eyes that look at me with a certain expression.
Fear.
That's what is written in those eyes as I let them bore into my soul. I'm not worthy to have someone fight with me and for me.
"Zechs, let me stay by your side." I hear her say. I know what her feelings are towards me but I can not let her love a monster such as myself. I nearly destroyed her and her suit for christ sakes. How can I let her be by my side and not worry if she will make it out of this alive or not.
The only thing that my brain is allowing me to comprehend is the words that left my mouth. "Do as you wish but stay out of my way."
//Peel off all those eyes
Crawl into the dark
You poisoned all your children to camouflage your scars//
I no longer wear my mask but I feel something heavy close over my eyes and soul. The deepest pits of my inner hell is enough to make a person go insane. Maybe I am. Since when did I become the bad guy, an evil menace? Was it Treize's doing, his influential powers that seeped and tore into the innocents that followed on his every word? Treize wanting a duel with me is enough to make me laugh for weeks. A silly fool is what he is. Trying to make up for his wrong doings from the past but it's too late for that now.
//Pray unto the splinters, pray unto your fear
Pray your life was just a dream
The cut that never heals
Pray now baby, pray your life was just a dream//
I run my hands through my hair and pull at the strands to make me wake up and realize that what I'm doing is wrong. Or is it? I just wish that some high powerful being would make this all go away, help me wake up from this madness.
"God will never forgive you Milliardo." Her little speech that she tried so hard to make me change my mind, while Yuy points his gun at me, floats in my dreams. God may not forgive me but I could care less. I don't need his forgiveness. I'm just worried that I lost all chances of forgiveness to those who loved me. An open wound that never heals is the best way to describe my pitiful excuse for my internal being. Never will I want to ever wish this life onto someone else.
Will someone please wake me up? I live in a living nightmare with eyes open and closed. Please say that this is all just a bad dream.
//I am so tangled in my sins that I can not escape
I am so tangled in my sins that I can not escape//
There is no way out for the sins that I have done except for death. Even death doesn't want me just yet. I can feel it laugh in my face everytime I brush death by a mere minute. Heero can't even kill me. He still has that goodness in himself that he doesn't realize he has unlike me.
//Pinch the head off, collapse me like a weed
Someone had to go this far//
I prayed for Yuy to end my miserable life but was rejected once again by a voice.
"Relena would be sad."
Those four words ring in my head and something comes over me. I put everybody through this mess while with the White Fang and it should be my duty to end it as well. Heero and the others shouldn't have to finish what I started. Let me learn from my mistakes. I can't let him fail as I have done so myself. I watch closely as I sit here immobile for a few minutes as Heero tries to finish off Libra. Seeing that he is out of ammo, I knew I had to step in and take over. I saw him once self-destruct in front of me and I promised myself that he shouldn't risk his life like that again. He has a better life to live that what I do. I maneuver Epyon over to Wing Zero's side as I prepare to slice the main power core of Libra.
"No Zechs don't!" I can only smile and shake my head when I heard his plea.
"I have to do this Heero. This is my only way out for the trouble I have caused. You have so much to live for than I do. You have a special kindness that shouldn't be wasted on death. Go now Heero, leave!"
"Zechs!" I hear him say one more time as I plunge Epyon's saber into the core.
"Farewell Heero."
//Pray now baby, pray your life was just a dream
Just a dream//
//The world in my hands, there's no one left to hear
you scream
There's no one left for you//
Bright light flashes before my eyes as the core explodes. I feel the darkness drape over me once again as I hear the screams build up inside but this time, I manage to scream out loud. I scream until my lungs burn for air and my throat can no longer carry out the cry of my anguished soul.
I can only whisper out two more words before I pass out. "I'm sorry."
//When all of your wishes are granted
Many of your dreams will be destroyed//