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They called him the perfect soldier. Duo, with his incessant chattering, so distracting in battle; Trowa, with his cold arrogance, possibly harmful in the quick decision-making one had to do in a fight; Quatre, so soft-hearted . . . there was no end to how much that could fuck a plan up; Wufei, with all his high-handed talk of justice. They looked up to Heero, who only thought of the mission at hand, killing with cold efficiency, never looking ahead or behind...or so they thought.
Because what they didn't know was that once Heero had looked up to someone. That he still did.
But of course, she wasn't here now, even though she'd promised. She'd promised.
~so impressed with all you do
tried so hard to be like you
flew too high and burnt the wing
lost my faith in everything~
"Heeeeeeee-RO!"
He started. Maxwell again. At 8 a.m. "Yes?"
Duo spoke loudly and slowly, as if talking to a slow child. "I said, do...you...want...some...BACON!"
Heero pushed back from the table and silently left for the garage.
Duo looked in astonishment at the remaining pilots. "What'd I do?"
~lick around divine debris
taste the wealth of hate in me
shedding skin succumb defeat
this machine is obsolete~
Quatre found him buried in tools and machinery next to his motorcycle. He crept up and whispered Heero's name. Heero didn't turn around.
"Heero, please...what's wrong?"
"Go away, I'm busy."
"Please, Heero . . . you've been so quiet lately, even for you. I'm your friend, and I want to help if I can..."
Heero turned around then, wearing one of the coldest expressions Quatre had ever seen on the face of any living being. On seeing Quatre's hurt look, however, he tried to smile. "I'm all right, really . . . I've just been thinking a lot lately, and there's so much work to do. Go finish your breakfast."
Quatre beamed. "Okay, but you know that if you want to talk about anything, you can come to me, right?"
"Yeah, sure. Now go ahead, it's getting cold. And make sure Maxwell saves me some wheat toast."
"Are you kidding? He's too busy clogging his arteries with that awful bacon to even glance at the toast."
Heero gave him a big fake grin and Quatre finally left the garage. Heero heaved a sigh of relief: finally alone. In Heero's opinion, the whole concept of friendship was total bullshit; after...well, after, he couldn't believe that anyone would actually honor their promises. But he did try to humor Quatre; he was a nice guy and seemed to genuinely care about each of his fellow Gundam pilots. In that respect he reminded Heero a little of her . . . all the pilots reminded him of her in their own special ways.
He winced; it was too painful to think about. She was gone now, and she had left him completely broken, and did he really care how he treated the others or what they thought of him? All he needed to worry about was the mission at hand, and when there wasn't a mission, all he needed to worry about was when the next mission would come.
~made the choice to go away
drink the fountain of decay
tear a hole exquisite red
fuck the rest and stab it dead~
But it wasn't enough that his fellow pilots reminded Heero of her; Relena had to come along, with her timid smile, her intense determination, her desire for total peace, her consummate devotion to him...and enrapture him completely. She was so like her that there had never been a chance for Heero. She had led him directly to his ultimate damnation. And how would he have guessed that damnation lay in a woman's bed? Heero had betrayed himself as well as her with Relena . . . ::and enjoyed every minute, you know that, might as well admit it. and she liked it when you began to hit her during sex, didn't she? and you liked it too. you hit her because she wasn't...::
oh god why did you leave me...why did you make me send you away...
It had been entirely her choice to leave the way she did . . . and she had made Heero help her. He could still see the scarlet drops on his hands...
~broken bruised forgotten sore
too fucked up to care anymore
poisoned to my rotten core
too fucked up to care anymore~
The image haunted him day and night, every waking moment, greeting him in the morning and drenching him in his dreams.
Oh god she left me so dead. So dead...
::so when are you going to finish it?::
Heero shook the thought off. There was work to be done; he had sworn to fight as long as there was a reason to fight. The thing was, he really didn't care about the reason he was fighting. He killed for the sole reason of keeping his murderous hands off his own throat and the throats of his fellow peace fighters. He killed because he hurt inside. The war could continue forever for all Heero cared.
More blood to fill the void.
~in the back off the side far away
is a place where I hide where I stay~
He was roused by Duo's raucous voice filling the hangar. "Hey Hee-chan, Relena's here!"
"Tell her I'm busy and I'll call her later," Heero shouted.
A feminine voice responded, "Too late, I'm already inside."
~tried to say tried to ask needed to
all alone by myself where were you~
shit. Heero sighed and raised his head. "What do you want, Relena?"
"I was going to see if you'd like to go out to lunch with me, there's an excellent new Japanese restaurant not far from here--"
have I been here that long? "Got work to do."
"But I haven't seen you all day, and I just thought--"
"I can't today. I have to work on my bike, there are some problems with the brakes, and I need to train a little also. I'm sorry. Maybe tomorrow?"
Relena's eyes filled with tears. "Sure, whatever..."
Duo looked from Heero to Relena, hurting for the girl. He'd always thought Heero was far too rough with her; she was a delicate aristocrat and a sweet girl inside. She deserved better.
The first glimmerings of something potentially dangerous crept into Duo's brain and he almost dismissed them . . . and then decided to act. Suppression of feelings was not his strong suit.
"Hey Heero, how 'bout I take the lady to lunch? Would you mind, Relena? At least you'd have someone to talk to who'd actually have something interesting to say!"
Heero glared at the braided boy for a long second and then replied in that damnable dead tone, "Go ahead. Have fun," and retreated into his bike's motor again.
Duo and Relena stood there in shocked silence for a moment. But keeping silent was also not one of Duo's strong points, and he gave Relena a dazzling grin as he offered her an arm. "Shall we go?"
~how could I ever think it's funny how
everything that swore it wouldn't change is different now
just like you would always say we'll make it through
then my head fell apart and where were you~
In the garage, Heero was mentally kicking himself. What the hell got into you, letting her go off with Maxwell like that? What kind of baka are you?
Another voice, the small, venomous, dead voice which led him through his battles, spoke up. ::Do you care? Do you really?::
And then her voice spoke. Hee-chan . . . she's a nice girl, the kind of girl I'd want for you...treasure her...love her...
"Shut up," he mumbled through gritted teeth. "Just shut up you bitch, you left me, you died on me, just when I needed you most, you broke your promise, so you don't get a say, just SHUT THE FUCK UP!"
He collapsed on the greasy floor, crying yet again for her, for what they'd had and what they should have had, for the past, for the present, for the future.
He looked up at the glassy surface of the motorcycle's engine housing with tearstained eyes, and whispered to his reflection, "Omae o korosu..."
~how could I ever think it's funny how everything you swore would never change is different now
like you said you and me make it through didn't quite fell apart
where the fuck were you?~
Heero cried himself to sleep, curled up like a child on the floor next to his motorcycle, chased into slumber by the sound of her voice whispering words
she'd never spoken: "Heero . . . I love you . . . always . . . "