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Quatre sat up slowly and looked around the room, what was going on? He had fallen asleep in his room in the new safe house, cuddled safe in between the thick quilts and thin sheets. The soft smells of the cool night air drifting in through the small open slit in the window. As he’d closed his eyes he could hear the other pilots going about their business. And if he couldn’t hear them he could figure out exactly what they were doing, he knew them all that well now.
Heero would be at his laptop until the crack of dawn, typing away as if there were no tomorrow and no today, just him and his laptop. Just Heero and his missions, nothing more nothing less. Duo would probably be complaining to Heero or someone else in the house. No, Quatre corrected himself, Duo was in front of the television munching on some junk food. He could hear the faint sounds of the television from across the hall, some game show or talk show. Some mindless television show that would give the Deathscythe pilot a rest from being serious, if he was ever that.
Trowa would be off on his own, contemplating something or another, the expression on his face never changing and never shifting. Always the same. Calm, cool, calculating… cold. And Wufei would be tending to Nataku, his precious gundam. There wasn’t much else he did besides fight. Quatre corrected himself once more with a small shake of his head, no he knew Wufei did a lot more then just baby his gundam. But the other boy was so withdrawn it was hard to tell.
But that had been earlier, when he’d been getting ready for sleep. Now as he blinked and looked around he found himself sitting in the cockpit of a gundam. The display screens around him were dark, blank and his world was filled with silence. How had he ended up here? Why was he in a gundam?
Quatre twisted in his seat and glanced at the controls. This was his gundam right? The style of the controls… they were different. Quatre slowly pressed the hatch button. It didn’t matter, he wanted to know how the heck he’d ended up in his gundam, and that meant getting out and talking to the others. He touched the hatch button but nothing happened.
“Nani?”
A button near his other hand flashed and Quatre turned his head. The display button? Quatre looked quizzically at the button and frowned, what in the world was going on? He pressed it and the cockpit lit up with bright lights. He blinked rapidly as light and sound suddenly burst in on him. On the display screen before him he could see space and mobile suits and… and a colony.
Quatre gasped and shook his head. No! He watched as the blue vayeate came into view. Trowa’s voice echoed over his open channels.
“Quatre! What’s going on here? This isn’t the Quatre I know.”
Quatre shook his head and grabbed for the controls. No! No! He pressed every button he could, pulled every lever and hit every control panel, nothing responded. Quatre hit the control panel with his fist. “No! Get away Trowa!”
But the beam cannon aimed itself and a second later half of Trowa’s mobile suit was blown away, blown to bits. Quatre cried out and shut his eyes, his hands fumbling at the lock on the harness which held him in the seat. What? He opened his eyes to find the belt completely connected, it didn’t come apart. Somehow he was trapped in his own gundam. This gundam that wasn’t his. He was in Wing Zero again… with the zero system…
“No! This can’t be real! Not again!”
Quatre gripped the harness belts and pulled with all his might, his hands burning from the force and pain. He watched helpless as the gundam moved on it’s own accord. He could hear his own voice responding to Trowa and Heero’s calls, but he couldn’t do a thing. He stopped struggling with the harness straps as his gundam moved into combat with the one Heero was piloting. Is that what really had happened? His mind had seemed so fuzzy yet hazy at the same time…
Quatre watched the view screen turn and face a colony. The beam cannon rose and aimed, gathering power. Quatre screamed as the power shot forward. For a moment pure silence reigned again, there was nothing. Then a light brighter then the sun flashed, burning into his eyes. Quatre closed his eyes and shielded his face as the colony exploded before his eyes. All around him he could hear their screams, the screams of the people who had no evacuated. The ones he’d killed…
“NO!”
Quatre cried out and sat up in bed, the sweat damped sheets sticking to and twisted around his body. He swallowed most of his scream, sweat dripping down his forehead and into his eyes as he starred at the blank white walls. He sat there for a long time, forcing himself not to blink. He knew if he blinked he’d see their faces, hear their screams… he’d see it all over and over again.
It took a while but he finally began to calm down. His breathing evened out to normal and he finally let himself blink away the wetness and sweat from his eyes. With trembling hands he wiped his forehead and untangled himself from the covers.
On shaking legs he stumbled across the room to where the full length mirror hung on the wall. He hadn’t meant to stop, but he found himself standing in front of it, starring at himself. He regarded his reflection quietly, looking over every detail.
//just a reflection\\
//just a glimpse\\
//just a little reminder\\
“This is me,” Quatre whispered softly into the completely silent house. He reached out and placed his hand on the mirror, touching the palm of his reflection. He blinked in surprise as he thought he saw the glass ripple as if he’d touched water. “But that was me as well,” he whispered back, as if in response to his own words.
“You won’t ever let me forget will you? What I did.” Quatre sighed and grabbed his robe from the hook beside the mirror. Sleep was pointless now, the nightmare would just return to haunt him when he closed his eyes, there wasn’t a wink of sleep in sight, not anymore. Wrapping the warm soft fabric around his body he walked out of his room into the kitchen.
Quatre took a glass of milk and walked out onto the porch, maybe the night air would help. Clutching the glass he leaned against the railing, watching out over the small clearing before the trees. They were lucky to have found another safe house surrounded by trees with enough room to hide the gundams. They were lucky this time to be able to hide in such a beautiful place. Quatre closed his eyes and savored the feeling of the night air dancing across his skin. The very smell of the air calmed his troubled memories… mostly.
//Of all the what abouts\\
//And all the might have\\
//Could have beens\\
He dropped his head and sighed softly. His memories would never completely leave him, no matter how beautiful the world was. All he could think about were the people he’d killed, the ones who now would never see this beauty. True they had died in war but… he shouldn’t have killed them. Despite what he had learned about the Zero System’s effects after the incident he still felt responsible for their deaths. The gundam hadn’t pulled the trigger, in the end he had. In the end it was his fault, his burden. He’d killed so many people… and they had done nothing to deserve such a horrible fate.
//Another day\\
//Some other way\\
//But not another reason to continue\\
//And now you’re one of us\\
//The Wretched\\
Quatre shook his head.
//The hope and prays\\
//The better days\\
//The far aways\\
What had they thought when they died?
//Forget it\\
Forget it, he told himself. Quatre shook his head. He couldn’t.
//It didn’t turn out the way you wanted it to\\
//It didn’t turn out the way you wanted it did it?\\
//It didn’t turn out the way you wanted it to\\
//It didn’t turn out the way you wanted it did it?\\
NO! Quatre’s hand shook and the glass of milk slipped free of his fingers. He shut his eyes and rested his face in his hands. “No,” he whispered.
//Now you know\\
//This is what it feels like\\
//Now you know\\
//This is what it feels like\\
The glass shattered across the ground and milk splattered over the grass and sidewalk. Quatre’s eyes opened and he looked down at the spilled milk quietly.
“Quatre?”
He turned his head to see only shadows. Quatre turned completely and found the voice had come from a dark form sitting on a lounging chair in the corner. He squinted slightly… who?
“Trouble sleeping?”
“Duo?” Quatre took a step toward his fellow pilot. “Yeah,” he agreed softly. “You too?”
Duo turned away and his eyes wandered across to the stars shining brightly in the night sky. Slowly he nodded. Duo turned back to look at Quatre and smiled, yet his smile was only a shadow of it’s normal self. Quatre took a seat in the chair next to Duo.
“Something’s bothering you too?” The blond Arabian didn’t even realize what he’d said until it’d come from his mouth. Duo? Worried? Never. Duo was always so happy, he had nothing to feel horrible about. He’d never done anything as horrible as destroying whole colonies on the drop of a hat…
“Yeah.”
Quatre looked up in surprise. Something was bothering Duo?! But Duo was always so happy, how could anything be bothering him? Quatre couldn’t image his fellow pilot ever frowning unless he was in deep concentration during a battle. But Duo always smiled, he never lost that smile. What could possibly be troubling him?
Duo looked over at Quatre and tried to smile, trying to summon up his mask, it didn’t completely work. How strange. Usually his mask was so easy to slip on, as if it were solid and made of porcelain or something. A piece, accessory, he could just slip on at will and no one was the wiser. Tonight was one of the few exceptions. After that dream… Duo’s hand idly reached up and touched his long braid. He pulled it over his shoulder and stroked the hair unconsciously, remembering. He almost forgot that Quatre was sitting next to him.
“What’s on your mind?” Duo asked. Out the corner of his eye he could see Quatre frown.
“Something I did… before…”
Duo stayed silent. How strange that their positions were switched tonight. Usually Quatre was the one he would have pegged to be the sympathetic ear, not himself. He had been trained to be a priest for a little while, once long ago… but taking a ‘confession’ from Quatre? The thought was just strange. He gave a mental shrug, well why not? Everyone needed someone to ‘confess’ to. He waited patiently for Quatre to go on.
“I… when I was in the Zero System…” Quatre broke off and didn’t say another word. But he didn’t have to, Duo had heard about that. He’d heard from the others what had happened to Quatre because of the system and what he had done. The colonies he’d destroyed…
“Quatre.” Duo said quietly, not sure what else to say.
“I killed all those people Duo, it shouldn’t have happened. I shouldn’t have…”
“Quatre…” Duo’s hand tightened on his braid and he frowned slightly. “Do you know why I have this braid?”
Quatre shook his head.
“When I was young I lived with orphans, running through the street digging up what we could to live off of. I’ve never really stayed in one place. First an orphan… then a church…” Duo pulled on his normal priest outfit to emphasize that one. “Then on random ships… then as a gundam pilot… colony to colony… earth to space… never anywhere at once. Every where I’ve been in life it seems that I can’t stay in one place, always moving… on the run.” Duo paused.
He glanced at Quatre, wondering what the boy was thinking. But Quatre remained silent, just listening to his words.
“Everywhere I’ve been I’ve been happy for a little while, then it was snatched away and tossed into the wind. And I’d have to move on, whether I liked it or not, to somewhere new.”
//The clouds will part and the sky cracks open\\
//And god himself will reach his fucking arm\\
//Through\\
“And everywhere I went things followed me. Things always got worse, shit was always dumped straight on my head.”
//Just to push you down\\
//Just to hold you down\\
“Happiness or time to settle down would come and it would disappear just as quickly. It was always the same, a never-ending loop.”
//Stuck in this hole with the shit and piss\\
//And it’s hard to believe it could come down to this\\
//Back at the beginning\\
//Sinking\\
//Spinning\\
“Yet…” Duo fingered the end of his braid. “This was the one thing I could control from the beginning. As I went through life so did my hair. Not cutting it became a symbol of not letting go, of not letting myself forget. I knew it would be hard to take care of, even from the beginning, but I never cut it. I’ve always taken care of it. It’s a symbol of my past and what I’ve been through. For better or for worse it’s a part of me, a part I can’t leave or forget. Something… I don’t want to forget.”
//And in the end\\
//We still pretend\\
//The time we spend\\
//And knowing when you’re finally free\\
//And you could be\\
And now who’s confessing? Duo asked himself, he quickly shrugged it off and his grinning mask dropped into place. He stood up and stretched, yawning. Tossing his braid back over his shoulder he turned back to Quatre.
“You understand then?”
Gosh Quatre was timid. At that moment he seemed like a small child, a child trying to reach for comforting arms… comforting arms…
“Yeah… guess I kind of do.”
Quatre looked down into his own lap. “But I can still hear them.” He stared down at his open palms, as if they were covered with the blood of thousands… as if the blood was there and stained into his skin as it would have been if he’d killed them all by hand. Duo gave a small sigh and knelt down in front of Quatre. He placed his hands over the boy’s, covering up those ‘bloody’ palms. Quatre looked up at him in surprise.
“All our hands are covered, Quatre. We’ve all fought in this war, we’ve all killed. We all have things we regret… but the past is past. And all we can do is keep fighting, hoping someday it will all end.”
Duo watched those soft baby blue eyes. What am I saying? He asked himself. I’m being all… sentimental. I should laugh it off, leave and let the poor guy get some sleep… but he couldn’t. Duo couldn’t move from where he knelt in front of Quatre. And surprisingly he didn’t really want to move. Duo watched as Quatre slowly leaned forward, resting his forehead just below Duo’s collar.
Quatre rested his head against the thick fabric of Duo’s shirt. Strangely it felt comforting. Duo understood, Duo understood exactly what he was going through. The part about never being able to keep happiness... Running away from home to prove himself, standing up against his father, being a gundam pilot, watching his father die, watching his sister die, thinking his only friends had died… something horrible always happened and shattered the happiness. Duo understood that, and probably none of the other gundam pilots could… least not the way Duo did.
Hold me, I need to be held. Quatre leaned in closer and found himself completely supported by a surprised Duo, but he didn’t care. He just needed to be held, he needed a physical reminder that someone understood his pain and suffering from deep inside. Quatre leaned against Duo quietly, savoring the moment while it lasted. He fully expected Duo to push him away at any moment and then laugh it off, resorting to his normal grin and trying to get Quatre to laugh with him. Quatre wouldn’t have minded that, but for this one half second…
Just hold me, please.
To Quatre’s amazement Duo’s arms wrapped around him, holding him close and in comfort. Duo shifted positions and went from kneeling to sitting, and Quatre found himself cuddling in Duo’s lap. Neither seemed to protest and as Quatre wrapped his arms around Duo’s waist he realized that in his own way Duo was also seeking a kind of comfort.
Here, here among his only true friends was someone who understood. Quatre had realized long ago that his fellow gundam pilots were the only ones who would completely understand what he was going through in this war, but it had never occurred to him that one would understand him this well. And Duo at that!
Up until now he’d identified with Trowa mostly, just because Trowa seemed like a mirror reflection of himself, completely opposite. Quatre reached outward to be touched and to touch people, whereas Trowa didn’t touch people but seemed to wish he could. Quatre had always thought that there might have been something there… something more then just companionship from the first day they met.
But Duo? Quatre would have never guessed that the happy-go-lucky ray-of-sun-shine would understand him. It was the most unlikely thing, yet currently it was the most comfortable thing. He felt as if he could snuggle in Duo’s arms forever and all his fears would pass away with all his regrets. He would be safe in Duo’s protective embrace from whatever came to haunt him. From whatever…
Duo’s arms loosened suddenly and he inched slightly away. “Quatre… gomen…”
Quatre glanced up into Duo’s eyes. Does he feel guilty for holding me? For offering comfort? Quatre couldn’t resist a small smile. Duo wasn’t supposed to be the emotional one, the one who did things by his emotions. Duo wore a mask just like Trowa… and he had suddenly realized that that mask was gone. That’s why he had pulled away.
< “You don’t need to apologize, Duo.” Quatre said softly.
Don’t I?
Duo looked down into Quatre’s eyes confused.
What am I doing? Why am I holding him? I’m offering comfort, that’s all. He’d asked for comfort, for someone to hold him. No, he didn’t! Yes, he did. It wouldn’t have mattered, _I_ wanted to hold him anyway… comfort for him or not, it’s nice to have someone who understands.
Unlike the others Duo realized that Quatre was the closest one he had. Heero… well he’d always chased after Heero because it was a challenge. It was a challenge to get the ‘perfect solder’ to smile… a mission he still hadn’t completed yet. And yet… and yet here was Quatre, someone he’d barely noticed before. Here was… here was someone who understood, more then Wufei, Trowa, Heero or anyone else ever would. And even if Quatre didn’t truly understand it didn’t matter. Happiness came so few times in his life he’d discovered that if he didn’t grasp it it might not show up again.
With that thought in mind Duo leaned down and slowly touched his lips to Quatre’s.
//It didn’t quite turn out the way you wanted it\\
Neither objected to the kiss. Duo found with a mix of surprise and pleasure that Quatre kissed back, and that his lips tasted sweet and slightly salty from sweat. It was a beautiful taste and Duo found his lips moving more, his tongue sliding over Quatre’s sweet lips, seeking more. He wrapped his arms tighter around Quatre and held. He found Quatre returning the kiss with just as much pleasure, grasping at the same pleasure he felt.
He became more daring, not willing to let this happiness slip away, nor willing to let it just pass by as something mundane. His ventured into Quatre’s mouth with his tongue and found the inside of the boy’s mouth to taste even sweeter then his lips. Duo broke the kiss reluctantly to let them both breathe, despite happiness breathing was still necessary.
Oh no you don’t. Quatre thought hazily. Don’t stop, that was beautiful. Quatre gasped for air then surprised Duo once more by returning the kiss. He started as Duo had, slowly licking the other boy’s lips and loving their sweet taste. Then he let his own tongue slip into Duo’s mouth and as he tasted Duo’s mouth he let his hands roam. Duo was right, happiness was rare to come by, and wasn’t something to let go of.
And it seemed that Duo agreed with him whole-heatedly.
Duo’s body quivered as he felt Quatre’s hands slide over it. His back wasn’t willing to support them in a sitting position much longer. So as Quatre continued to kiss him, Duo slowly leaned toward the porch floor, setting his back down. He pulled Quatre gently down with him, the two soon lying side by side locking in a loving embrace still kissing.
The kissing carried on forever, only breaking when each found they needed air. Neither wanted to stop, each found the kisses and taste of the other’s mouth to be intoxicating and addicting. The best and worst drug, something neither wanted to give up. And as they kissed their hands became more daring, roaming, touching, caressing. Duo broke the kiss to gasp in pleasure as Quatre’s finger lightly brushed down his spine. He felt his body quiver and he pulled the other boy closer, slowly sliding a leg over him to pull them even closer together.
Duo brought his lips forward to kiss Quatre again but this time just brushed against the other boy’s lips, moving away slowly. He heard Quatre whimper slightly in protest but that whimper quickly changed into a yelp of surprise as Duo lightly bit the end of Quatre’s ear. Quatre responded with the yelp and pulled himself closer, the fronts of their bodies completely meeting.
For a moment neither moved. They were both completely aware of the other’s arousal, and were both surprised.
//It didn’t turn out the way you wanted it did it?\\ Oh, neither had expected this, not from the beginning. But neither was inclined to care or object either. This was happiness and this was something to be held. True, they both realized that it could all end tomorrow and it might never happen again, but the future didn’t seem to matter. Right now was the time. Right now in this moment of perfect understanding and perfect feeling. Right now was the time.
Duo let his tongue drift slowly down the side of Quatre’s neck and the Arabian stretched his head back with quivering breaths. His hands shook as they searched under Duo’s shirt, touching and caressing his soft skin. So perfect… so perfect…
Duo suddenly yelped and almost bit his own tongue as one of those hands touched the front of his pants, the fabric separating his self from Quatre. He swallowed and moaned softly as Quatre rubbed his hand up and down across the fabric, feeling the hard flesh underneath.
//Now you know\\ Duo found his own hands mimicking Quatre’s and smiled with pleasure as he heard Quatre gasp in surprise. The two opened their eyes and looked at each other in complete seriousness.
“Are you-“
“… sure.”
“Even if-“
“… it doesn’t last.”
“Tonight we have happiness…”
“… not letting go.”
//Now you know\\ Quatre walked into the kitchen the next day to find the other gundam pilots around the tape going about their morning rituals. Wufei was sipping his tea slowly, staring up at the ceiling, probably thinking about Nataku or some other secret thing. Trowa was reading the morning paper, scanning it for information that could be useful in the future. Heero was attempting to swallow his toast as Duo hung over his shoulders making wise cracks.
“Duo… omae o korosu.”
“Oh Heero, you’re so cute when you say things like that.” Duo flashed a bright grin and jumped out of the way as Heero took a swing at him, Quatre giggled.
“Ohiyo Quatre!” Duo said with a wave.
Quatre smiled back. “Ohiyo.” And Duo turned back to pestering Heero. Quatre took a glass of milk and looked at it quietly as he leaned against the counter. A glass of milk, like last night. Last night…
Had it really happened? It seemed so strange in retrospect. Looking back upon the night he really felt nothing, just comfort. It didn’t matter if Duo never looked at him again, it didn’t matter if Heero and Duo ended up together after their missions. It didn’t really matter. What had mattered was the fact that Duo had understood and no matter what Quatre had a friend who would understand forever. That thought comforted him. Quatre smiled softly and drank his milk.
Last night had happened and both had been comforted. And that was that, nothing more, nothing less. He could live with that, and he knew Duo could as well. In a world like theirs happiness was rare and well spaced. It was something to be grasped with those who understood. And if it never happened again neither would be disappointed. It had just happened and that was that.
However some months later Quatre found Duo knocking at his door in another safe house. Without a word Quatre let Duo in and held him quietly. Duo explained in a hushed voice what had happened, the repeating nightmares of the Maxwell church burning down… his own hand holding the match. Quatre understood and held him quietly, offering what comfort and offering he could.
They couldn’t stop the memories or the past. They couldn’t change who they were.
//You can try to stop it but it keeps on coming\\ They could just live life. And make the best of the happiness they could grasp.
//It didn’t turn out like the way that you wanted it to\\
//This is what it feels like\\
//This is what it feels like\\
//You can try to stop it but\\