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pairings: 2xHilde (non-yaoi).
warnings: angst. religious confusion. duo's episode 0 spoilers.
author's note: < words >=lyrics.
< Threw you the obvious
and you flew with it on your back
a name in your recollection
down among a million same >
She sat, staring at the ceiling, arms behind her head, lost in thought.
Duo had left again, without a word of where he'd be going, or when he might be home. Hilde knew better than to ask.
She had a feeling she didn't want to know.
This same week or so had been just like this last year, and after pondering it for a while, Hilde was almost sure she knew why.
Nine years ago today was the day of the Maxwell Church Massacre.
"Duo..." She thought aloud, "Why won't you just tell someone else how you feel about this..."
He hadn't been the one to tell her about the event itself. He never talked to anyone about that. If you asked him, he'd tell you that he lived at a church for a while, but he wouldn't go any further than that.
People usually had the courtesy not to pry. Those who didn't... well... let's just say they weren't making Duo's life any easier and he didn't like them.
Hilde never told Duo she knew about his past at all, because she was almost sure bringing it up would hurt him more than she'd ever have the heart to. She'd never forgive herself if she let it slip.
The first mistake, Hilde figured, that people made when they met Duo was taking him at face value.
He could keep whatever he wanted from you, not lie about any of it, and just at the same time not let you know how he felt at all.
If Duo Maxwell didn't want you to think something about him, then by God, no one would.
This is not to say that his cheerfulness was an act, though. People tended to mistake it for a shield sometimes, but Hilde, having known him for a long time, knew that really, that "shield" was a projection (albiet an exaggerated one) of who he really was deep down, completely aside from all the pain.
There's another thing Duo was good at. Hiding pain.
Hilde had NEVER seen Duo cry, EVER. his motto was that "boys don't cry", and as far as she knew, this particular boy lived up to that. Tears weren't how he dealt with pain.
And eventually that was going to work against him, the fact that he kept it all inside himself.
< difficult not to feel a little bit
disappointed
and passed over >
Duo quietly entered the church and slipped into the pew third from the back. He removed his dripping jacket and hat, and glanced up above the altar.
It was a giant stained glass window, depicting the Virgin Mary, holding the baby Jesus.
Duo lowered his gaze immediately, reminding himself silently that he didn't deserve to be here...
Not here.
He had been right. This had been a bad idea. He wasn't ready to face God in His house.
Not yet.
Probably not ever.
He was just about to slip back out of the church when he glanced up again, hearing the sound of breaking glass. The window, however, was still intact.
Oh... God... Duo shook his head slightly and squeezed his eyes shut. Not again...
He heard the shattering noise a second time. Then he heard a woman scream.
It's not real... He reminded himself. They've been dead for nine years... it's not REAL! He shook his head again.
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
That's what they called it.
Seeing and hearing things that weren't there... seeing it all play out all over again RIGHT in FRONT of you. Endless torture. Duo saw it as God's way of constantly reminding him of everything he'd done, by showing him the event that had set everything off... over and over again. A million times. And to the best of his knowledge, no one knew about it. None of the other pilots. None of his friends. Not even Hilde.
They would never know. To Duo it was his own private Hell, and by all that was in him he'd bear it as long and as far as he could, and not be a burden to anyone else.
That way I'll never hurt anyone. Ever again.
He took a few sharp breaths gave up leaving. All he wanted to do now was block out the phantom screaming.
< When I've looked right through to
see you naked but oblivious
and you don't... see... me... >
Hilde made up her mind and walked out of the house, grabbing a coat in light of the fact that it was raining.
It was Saturday afternoon, and she knew Duo well enough to know where he'd be now.
Six blocks away from their house was a Catholic Church.
Hilde'd never understood how he could want to keep his secret to himself forever, all the while living within three miles of a church. The wide streak of will power in one so frequently childish (even in jest) never failed to amuse her, not to mention remind her of why she loved him so much. Duo was just so many things all at the same time, and yet somehow she managed to keep him pegged. Like knowing where he'd be right now.
She made it to the church just as the bells were ringing for the start of the Mass, and sat in the back, behind Duo's pew and on the opposite side. Thankfully, he didn't look up when sh entered the church, and she managed to lose herself in the small crowd of people entering.
Glancing directly at Duo (or rather the back of his head) as he crossed himself, she noticed for the first time that here was the only place he couldn't smile. The first hymn began, and she noted that he was singing quietly, and that whenever she caught any of his voice, it was twinged with sadness.
He'd never forgiven himself for anything, even though the majority of it wasn't his fault.
She shook her head and began to sing.
< But I threw you the obvious
just to see if there's more behind
the eyes of a fallen angel
eyes of a tragedy >
Duo felt like he was lost.
Knowing full well how familliar this place was, and yet how disturbed it made him feel, it was just... wrong somehow.
The church was, for all intents and purposes, his home, He'd been raised in it, around it, and named for it, and yet...
It haunted him.
As the service passed, he drifted back into his own thoughts, withdrawing into his protective shell once again.
Of all the rest of the service, only one phrase reached him.
"There is a place for everyone in His Kingdom..."
Duo closed his eyes slightly and fingered the cross around his neck.
God has no place for killers. No place for me.
< here I am expecting just a little bit
too much from the wounded
but I see
see through it all
see through
see you >
The service was about to end, and Hilde was more than ready to leave.
Duo's apprehensiveness worried her, and she felt for him every minute he spent in this place.
Ironically enough, it seemed that the most happy-go-lucky person she'd ever met had yet to burn his bridges and make peace with himself.
Duo, she thought, You need to stop blaming yourself. Let it go... There's no way you can keep going like this. Accept your life for what it is and stop leaving me out... why won't you tell me what's on your mind? You think you can't fly and that you don't belong with everyone else, but you're just up higher than the rest of us... Why are you the only one who can't see that? Why is it that you still believe you can't be saved?
She reached for her coat just as the benediction began.
< 'Cause I threw you the obvious
to see what occurs behind the
eyes of a fallen angel
eyes of a tragedy >
"The Lord bless thee and keep thee.
The Lord make his face shine upon thee and be gracious unto thee.
The Lord lift up his countenance upon thee...
and give thee peace."
< Oh well...
oh well...
apparently nothing
apparently nothing at all
you don't see me
you don't see me at all >